Motz'ei Shabbat, December 28, 1991

   
 

After being sure that you were on the way, we've sort of gotten back to "normal", whatever that may mean. You've been showing pretty definite signs of being on the way, but signs are one thing, and proof is another. Throughout the last couple of days your mother has felt numerous contractions, and her plug has gone out. It's clear that it won't be long now.

What's also clear is that you're not going to be doing much more growing or changing - you're a fully developed baby waiting only to become an independent being. You'll be dependent on us for a long time to come, but you'll also be able to think for yourself, act on your own, and perhaps understand what I've been writing you. I started writing you when you, if it was at all logical to call you "you" back then, were about the size of a grape. I don't believe that you had the capability of being conscious of anything then, but I was so conscious of you that it made you even more real. And now you're as real as you're going to be, and the excitement continues to mount.

For your mother you're a very real entity which she feels within her almost all the time, and even when you're not dancing about she feels the weight of you on her. I can only see you through your mother and it's much harder for me to get a real feel for you.

A friend asked me yesterday how things were coming along and I told her about your mother's contractions. In the middle of the telling I stopped myself as I realized that I know all the words, and the sing all the notes, but I really don't know what I'm talking about. I have no idea what a contraction feels like, or whether what your mother felt was real or not. But I'm doing the best I can.

So I've been writing, converting that bulging in your mother's stomach into an entity that I'm able to relate to. Soon our relationship will change.

And today, once again, I kept cleaning. Please don't get the impression that I'm the sort of person who spends all the time cleaning. Most of the week I spent dirtying our apartment so it's fair that at least one day gets put aside for putting things in order.

 

 


 





I've told friends that your mother has been having contractions, but you know what? I have absolutely no concept of what that actually feels like.